The part of the presentation that had parents scrambling to take notes and leaning forward paying attention was a 7 step process in conflict resolution.

HOW TO DEAL WITH TEMPER TANTRUMS

1. press PAUSE button
(take a deep breath and gather yourself, don’t get sucked in to the situation)
2. REMIND myself that the only person I can control is me
(look back at the toddler’s job description: they’re just doing their job by challenging boundaries)
3. REFRAME how I think affects how I feel which affects how I react
(you get back what you put into it)
4. CONTROL the SITUATION not the child
(the key is to stay neutral and calm – dont step into the drama. Remove the object of frustration and remove yourself if you’re losing it)
5. DONT GIVE IN and do follow through with consequences. Be CONSISTENT
(reinforce that you mean what you say)
6. REGROUP help them restore equilibrium to REASSURE them that they will learn self control
7. ROLE MODEL self control and how to handle powerful negative feelings

The key to remember is that the toddler is looking for attention and testing boundaries to assert their independence. When you see them do something right, express how it makes you feel. Ask them how it makes them feel. Once kids have a label, they will live up or down to that label, between 0 and 6 they’re constantly developing beliefs about themselves.

So make it a positive belief and make it often. It takes 10 positives to delete 1 negative.

Here is a final thought I put out on Twitter the night of the seminar: Honestly? parenting seminars just cause us to overthink things. we were BORN to have kids. it shouldnt be hard. #toddler101

If you’re really struggling and can’t find resolution, then maybe there’s some Dr Phil styled advice in this Toddler 101 series, but really – if you’re a rational and smart person, you’re going to be a good parent. Really, you’ll be fine.

Photo on Flickr by Citril

To better understand why toddlers do the things they do, Gillian presented “the toddler job description”

STRUGGLE FOR INDEPENDENCE FROM THE PARENT AND SELF MASTERY
Toddlers are still trying to develop from the dependence they needed as an infant to the independence they feel as toddlers. It’s a slow resolving conflict since they havent fully developed a sense of self and that they are separate people. Toddlers still believe everything is part of them, so they cant give anything up -
they dont know it any other way.

Just think of how they express themselves: they NEED the blanket. They NEED their soother. They NEED to have their favourite pjs on.

Toddlers want to have their parents around, but dont like the fact they want/need you so they push away, then they dont like you away, so they pull you back.

It’s all about a fear of separation trying to balance with drive for autonomy. Gillian compared what toddlers go through as to what teenagers try to balance when searching for independence.

PARENTAL WILL VS CHILD’S COUNTERWILL
Children learn who they are by resisting parental will and asserting their own. It’s a natural way to find their own personal boundaries and abilities. When we feel someone else trying to take control, we will assert our own control, even if we know that the controlling will is right.

Toddlers don’t say no to resist you, they do it to create space to figure out who they are as a separate entity. Toddlers will resist any idea or thought that didn’t first occur in their own mind

TODDLERS WANT TO DO EVERYTHING FOR THEMSELVES TO DEVELOP SENSE OF SELF MASTERY
While toddlers want to do things on their own, they still lack the cognitive skills to do this effectively. The result is frustration and melt downs.

It’s important, then, for parents to seek out situations where the toddlers can succeed. The more we try to control the more they’re hardwired to resist, we end up feeling controlled by them

It becomes a perpetual circle. The more they try to control us, we try to control them and they become more defiant. These struggles mostly happen around food and toilet training.

Parents then need to step back and see how they’re reinforcing the behaviour. With food, for example, if you show over attention and worry about food and negative behaviour, you’re relinquishing control and you reinforce that behaviour.

Remember, the toddler is looking for situations where they’re successful, and if they’re successful at being rebellious – that’s the behaviour they’ll continue.

STRUGGLE TO BALANCE CONTROL OF PARENT WITH LEARNING SELF CONTROL
Babies are born with 100 billion brain cells and many of them are not connected. It’s the interaction with parents in the infant years that makes the map. So toddlers have a fully mapped out brain – their interaction with the environment wires the emotional part of the brain with the knowledge part.

As parents of toddlers, we need to be frontal lobes, showing them how to make decisions. This is an important developmental stage and requires parental behaviour modelling. Whatever you put out is what you will get back.

The toddler years are the key times to reinforce positive behaviours. If they get your attention behaving, that’s how they will continue to seek your attention.

Coming next in Toddler 101 is Part 3: The 7 steps to successfully avoid temper tantrums.

The evening was presented by Gillian Ashley-Martz, a Registered Clinical Counsellor, a mother of two and Certified Canadian Family Educator who has been working with families for over ten years.

A few dads were dragged to the class, but it was mostly moms and I was definitely the only one liveblogging it on Twitter.

The program started with a brainstorm of words to describe toddlers.

irrational, short fuse, demanding, manipulative, selfish, whiny, sensitive, strong willed, testing, stubborn, loud, serious, impatient, persistent

Those were the first ones tossed out by the moms, til I joked that I was “sensing a trend.” The tide turned, we remembered these are OUR kids we were talking about and a few glowing words were added.

silly, loving, smart, funny, energetic, curious

Still, you get the idea: life with toddlers can be a battle and this class was going to try and explain why it’s a battle and how the whole family can come out winners.

After the brainstorm, Gillian explained to us that our “toddlers live in the moment. They dont have the ability to see into the future and realize what’s going to happen, so they are obsessed with the moment and the present.”

This “in the moment” behaviour causes a struggle as the toddler relies on instinctive behaviour instead of thinking things through. Parents are, on average, pulled in to a power struggle of some kind with their toddler every 20 minutes.

Gillian reminded us that “never again will you see such a passionate child. They havent developed any defenses around their emotions. It’s all they’re about. What they feel, is what you see.”

Part 2 of Toddler 101: the toddler job description.